How Much Say Do Parents Have?

I just read an interesting blog regarding a student unhappy that his parents want him to go to school to be an MD (well whose parents wouldn't?) but he would rather go to be an English major. The blogger asserts that if the parents are paying then they have 100% say over where the student goes and what is studied.

Yikes. I happen to completely disagree. I posted a response to the blog which you can read, but I would like to share it here as well in more detail. Also, my perspective on college is that I paid for a large majority of my undergraduate studies and all of my graduate studies on my own. (Which again, unlike the blogger, I do not regret.) My parental help consisted of helping with housing the first year, little help for the rent payment after that and I believe there was one semester where the college I was at lost my FAFSA application (hurray for online applications now!) where my dad helped out. But the rest... well, let's just say I've got a fair amount of student loan debt now.

A close friend of mine had the option of going to the ONE college that her parents would pay for entirely, or financing the whole thing on her own which she didn't know how to do at age 18. (I told her it was do-able, but frankly at that age it's a little scary.) Her parents would not listen to any argument of not wanting to go there, not fitting in, etc. That is where they went and it is a well respected school in the area, therefore, that is where she would go too. They chose her major too which again was not what she was happy doing.

And...

She hated every minute of it. Hated the classes, hated her classmates, hated her roommates, and the eventual outcome of this was one semester in she dropped out entirely and had a massive falling out with her parents that lasted close to five years. Now, ten years later her husband has supported her return to college in a field she is interested in and where she was able to have a more choice (though was somewhat confined to staying in the town they are settled in) AND is much, much happier.

So I do think parents should have input into the college choice, definitely talk and have a conversation with them as a student about what you would like to do and where to go because they will have good feedback... but I believe if they are choosing to support you in college they are also choosing to support your decisions as to where to go and what major fits you best. Otherwise both parents and children are risking major relationship consequences and major life changers if things go wrong. And sometimes things change in college. You grow up a lot as you attend college and maybe what you wanted when you were 17 and made your college choice is not what suits you anymore at age 20. I can certainly vouch for this happening.

Put yourself in that situation. What happens when you are forced into something you don't really like? Most people I know do a pretty crappy job of it. While I have enjoyed about 99% of my college classes (maybe that's why I just kept going and going...) I couldn't imagine having a computer science major. Sure I could probably do it, but for me it would be miserable! And while sometimes parents can know best in situations, something as intensely personal as a college decision and major can't be made by anyone other than the student.

The other thing that can happen is a lot of deception. The FERPA rules and regulations limit the parents from having access to grades, schedules, etc. of their student regardless of if they are paying for it unless the student chooses to sign something allowing their parents or guardians to see it. (They are adults after all, and this is personal information.) I've spoken with more than a few angry parents who wanted academic and attendance information that I couldn't release at the college. Given that, a student could switch from the pre-med major to the English major and the parents would never know it. Just think what kind of ugliness in the family THAT would set up when mom and dad find out...

Finally, what I think some of this might come down to is a personal definition of success. What the parents might consider successful is not what the student might consider as success. It's kind of one of those moments (only on a much grander scale) when you make something you're really proud of and you go to show it to someone else and they say "Why on earth are you proud of that piece of junk?"

My goodness this blog got much longer than I intended, and again wasn't about the chosen topic of the day. Well, you'll just have to wait on the fascinating and exciting blog about "data use and privacy policies" tomorrow.